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Transformation starts with this...

It took me 30 years to realize I didn't know myself as well as I thought.

No one ever told me there's one more journey to make in this lifetime, which isn't ahead on the timeline, but within. "Know thyself" is a wisdom shared for many millennia's; Socrates suggested that knowing one’s own character, can bring awareness to one’s limitations and consequently will help you make better decisions in life. Simply put, in order to improve yourself, you need to develop self awareness and know where you stand. The problem with most people, is that they never dive deep inside to get to know themselves better, on a raw and intimate level.

In school we're being taught about the outer world, mainly. How to perform for others, how to fit in, how to lubricate the system. But no one ever told us there's a school for the Self which is your responsibility to explore in the silent moments, when there's no one around. Having conversations with one self sounded like a crazy idea rather than a teaching that is beneficial for our character and our growth.

All I knew is that I am myself and that's what I have and that's what I'll cope with. I thought that a lot will just "come to me at the right moment in time" and believed I change based on life experiences only, as the world is the one that gets to shape me while I battle my way up, out of daily struggle, towards some peace of mind. Somehow, self induced growth never came to mind, until I hit rock bottom when I found myself face down into a collection of mistakes that accumulated over time and ended up hurting not only me, but the people around me.

Le Désespéré (1845) by Gustave Courbet; Gustave Courbet, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

There is power in hitting rock bottom - when you're being completely shaken out of your comfort zone and thrown back into survival and the desperate need to understand how you got here, and how to never, ever let that happen again. For the first time in 30 years, freshly out of a 8 year long relationship, in a strange country I knew little about, I had to finally look myself in the eyes and ask some important questions:

  • Who am I?

  • What do I want in life?

  • How do I get there?

  • What am I grateful for?

  • What are my values?

  • What are my strengths and my weaknesses?

  • What matters to me most?

  • What am I ashamed of?

  • What are my passions?

  • What are my dreams?

These were only some of the questions that rose in me since I started my journey within.

I have opened many chambers, looking for my long lost adventurous spirit, the one that looked at life with childlike admiration, ready to conquer challenges with the spirit of a warrior, sword held in hand. I wanted to understand why I felt so heartbroken and disappointed in life. I've realized I've been crippled by the comfort zone I've grown to like so much. That all my troubles came from the lack of accountability and the search for outer solution - someone to save me. Someone to promise me all will be good.

I had to go deep within to find my inner power. To be reminded that I am my own savior, the master creator of my own reality, and I'm the one to reshape it in the image of my dreams.

I realized that what was truly stopping me is that I wasn't living authentically. I felt unworthy of my dreams, and didn't believe in the vision as much as I wanted, because I couldn't believe "someone like me", who came from nothing, will ever get there on their own, if at all...

Getting to know myself better wasn't easy. Countless conversations with myself had given space to many ghost and demons that were hiding in the cracks and crevices of my soul. But in the darkest hours, our light shines brightest, and when so many dark corners were illuminated by my inner search, I was able to declutter, reshape, re-arrange, re-decorate and re-create myself as a whole. I rebuilt a house that felt vacant and haunted before. I placed myself back within the walls of my mind and re-established its connection with my very heart. What else was I to do if not get comfortable for the ride with the one person that's gonna be there until my last breath--


Since getting to know myself better, a new world of possibilities opened in front of my eyes.

I had the opportunity to embrace my younger self, I healed so many scars and traumas, that any challenge and difficulty along the way, were totally worth it when I enjoyed the fruits of growth. The thing about growth is that it changes your perspective on life, and some things that used to kill you, seize to hurt. What used to scare us, suddenly starts giving us wings because we suddenly see how much we're capable of.

The hardest thing to do is to conquer one-self - break the paradigm we've been planted into or repeated in our own minds for so many years; that we aren't worthy and we're here to pivot through life without tapping to our fullest potential. But I believe we were placed on this planet to live a life of purpose, one that's bigger, wider, richer and way more beautiful and inspiring than anything else. There isn't a better purpose than to go after your dreams, and it all starts of first knowing yourself, and becoming friendly with that person, so you never end up lying to yourself and always know where you stand in order to grow even more.

You must begin your journey before you are ready and fall in love with the process of growing and discovering your true power. Don't be attached to who you are, the person you are continually becoming is who matters. - Unknown.

Not sure where to start? I didn’t either. Everything seemed scary at first, and I just remembered that writing used to help, so I explored it again.

Self-development consists of lists upon lists of thoughts, self-teachings, and reflections, so begin with throwing random questions on paper, and listen to what comes. Get to know yourself better so you could pivot through life in confidence, taking full responsibility for yourself and being the master creator of your life.

What questions come to mind when you look yourself in the eye? Let me know in the comments. Let's have a heart-to-heart.

Yours truly,

Frank Bernard Dicksee, The Mirror, 1896


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